Wednesday, January 5, 2011


     I don't even know if fruit snacks are bad for you or not.  The crumpled up Welch's packaging in my office trash can says the following:

- 100% Vitamin C (DV per serving)
- 25% Vitamins A & E
- FAT FREE (their All Caps, not mine)
- Gluten Free
- No Preservatives
- Made with REAL Fruit!

     That all sounds pretty good, right?  So now - since I'm trying to lose weight for the wedding - when I have a craving for the delicious looking, smelling, sounding, feeling Boca Negra Cake that Doug made for the staff that is apparently some sort of delicious chocolate bourbon cake that makes all your troubles disappear and comes with a free unicorn tattoo, I have to have a stupid bag of fruit snacks instead.  [Which, while we're here, what's the big deal about the unicorn tattoo being FREE?!  The cake doesn't cost anything to begin with, but I'm not calling it a "free" piece of cake.  So why does the price or lack thereof of this unicorn tattoo become such a big deal?  I'd even be willing to put a few dollars towards the uni-tat (that's what I call it sometimes).  I don't know.  My cognitive skillz ain't what they used to be ever since I quit drinking triple sec.] 

     100% of what is Vitamin C?  100% of the bag?!  That doesn't even leave any other percents to be things in my fruit snack bag!  Is it 100% of my daily allotment.   Ohhhh, do you think "DV" stands for "Daily Value"?  Or "Diane Verisimilitude"?  That last one doesn't seem very likely.  Isn't Diane mostly into making designer bread belts these days?  Anyway, that's a lot of Vitamin C either way.  And I'm not surprised since it did make my face a little bit hot.  Not like Extra Pulp Pink Grapefruit juice, but still - hot enough.

     25% of Vitamins A & E?  Thank goodness.  I don't think I could take more than a quarter of "Growing Up Gotti" & "Dog the Bounty Hunter" in my system each day.

     FAT FREE is always good.  Though I'm sad that there's no fatty parts of the juice snacks to cut away before I eat them.  What else am I supposed to feed my future dog than frozen jars of sweet & salty fruit snack fat?!

     Gluten Free is nice.  Especially because M is conVINCED that I have a Gluten Allergy.  Despite the fact that I don't blow up like a puffer fish or grown scales or fall down whenever I eat bread.  Or whatever it is people with gluten allergies do when they eat whatever it is they can't eat.

     No Preservatives.  Sure.  Standard.  The Golden Rule, right?  I'm talking King James version here.

     Made with REAL fruit is . . . good.  I suppose.  But what was the alternative?  Squeezing one of those plastic lemons or limes?  Strawberry Shortcake's blood?  Liquified banana runt?!  I should HOPE it's REAL fruit.  Or even REAL FRUIT!

    Here's the thing that really troubles me though - and may make me quit my burgeoning addiction plane before it can even get off the runway of tears:  Sure, the ingredients list the Acids Three:  Lactic, Citric & Ascorbic.  And of course the carcinogenic colors are rep'd:  Red 40, Yellow 5 & Blue 1.  But the 4th to last ingredient?  CARNAUBA WAX!  WHA-?!  WHAT THE FRAK IS CARNAUBA WAX DOING IN MY GOD DAMNED FRUIT SNACKS?!  Carnauba Wax, for those of you that don't know, is a type of car & boat wax that people use to wax their cars and boats with.  ["Wax" is one of those words like "gigawatt" that automatically implies what it means by being both a noun and a verb.]  But seriously, I used to sell Carnauba Wax when I worked in the noxious trenches of the Diamond Mines.  AND I DIDN'T SELL IT TO SNACK CONGLOMERATES that were looking to add an EXTRA SHEEN TO THEIR FRUIT SNACKS.

     The packaging claims that it's, "America's Favorite Fruit Snack"!  Well, as long as they're making these little chewy bombs full of corn starch, sodium citrate & Carnauba Wax (I don't care if it's Mother's OR Father's - it's still wrong!) then I'll be eating Fruit Roll-Ups from now on.  I mean, come on, they have Tropical Tie-Dye & Electric Blue Raspberry!!!   And maybe, just maybe, the only thing better than a free unicorn tattoo:  A FREE PEGASUS TATTOO!!

It's so Purple!  And Blue!  And Majestic!  And looks both ways before crossing!!!