Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Eleven Twelve Thirteen

Oh, hello there, Blog.

I didn't see you there.

How have you been? You're looking well.

Me? Oh, thank you. Yes. Well, tough to get sleep with a new baby.

Yes! A baby! I know. The wedding? Oh, that was ages ago.

No, we went with a different venue. Yeah. We needed a bigger space.

Sorry you got caught in an amber event and need to play catch up. But you can just go check Zachapedia while I move forward.

Or something.


Dear Leo (that's my son),

You're not even a month old, but there's some things that your dad (that's me) needs to lay down right at the start. The Eagles are an awful band. I was likely going to this cover this at some point. But I was forced to cover it here and now when I plugged my headphones in to write this blog and because the universe is an obnoxious place, "Life in the Fast Lane" by The Eagles was the first song iTunes shot at me when I put it on random.
You couldn't stuff a dead ferret in the '80s without running into this masterpiece.


- The Eagles were a band that came out with a lot of songs in the 1970's.
- They broke up and for much of my childhood people gnashed their teeth and screamed to their respective Gods wanting to know if The Eagles would. ever. get. back. together. Unfortunately, because Taylor Swift hadn't been invented yet, they did get back together and everyone smiled and it was another happy ending for all the people that had a Dead Head sticker on their Cadillac.
- In 1976, the Eagles recorded a song called, "Life in the Fast Lane". It was released in 1977. I was released in 1978. Your grandfather claims (though, try as I might for over 30 years, I have yet to find a witness to back up his story) that the song was playing when I was born. I have carried this dark mark around with me for my whole life. [Questions remain: how did your grandfather know it was playing when I was born? Dartmouth, despite being a teaching hospital, couldn't have found a benefit in piping in the sounds of shitty rock music. Did Grampa just mean that he heard the song on the radio that day and decided to say it was playing, "when I was born"? Pheh.]
- The only Eagles song I ever liked slightly didn't hate (and put on a mix tape once in the mid-90's before having second thoughts and taping over it) was, "Heartache Tonight". However, it's because I thought the lyrics were, "We're gonna have a Party Tonight, a Party Tonight . . ." etc. Of course, in typically annoying Eagles fashion. They weren't inviting everyone to a fun party, but instead some ice stormy, key party heartache. No, scratch that. That implies that the band had some sort of dark edge that might make them cool. That would be false.
- Joe Walsh isn't half bad. Seems pretty batshit, but also like a nice guy.
- But, seriously: that song just PLAYS RANDOMLY on iTunes the second I resurrect my blog?! That's some Eerie, Indiana.
- One might ask, why do I even own, "Life in the Fast Lane" if I hate it so much? I will answer that question with a series of seemingly unrelated answers: One Direction, Cherry Poppin' Daddies, Neil Sedaka, & The Wiggles. These are all "artists" that followed The Eagles on my iTunes. Your father, despite what this looks like, actually has exquisite taste in music, no matter what your mother says. However, your father also runs a local weekly trivia night in which he creates an audio round most weeks. This has created one of the freakiest frankenplaylists in the history of iTunes. DJ-ing a Children's Valentine's Dance each February simply ladles on a few extra globs of banana times.



11/12/13. That's today's date. It's a pretty big one. Some significant things have happened on this date.
I'm going to tell you about some of them.

Your Great-Uncle Jimmy was born on November 12th. This happened many years ago. (But after your grandfather was born.) If your grandfather was born around the big bang, then your great-uncle was born about a year and a half post-big bang. When the lava started to cool. Your Great-Uncle grew up in the same place that a lot of people in your life (Daddy, Mommy, Grampa, Nana, Pepere, 75 Uncles, etc.) did: Laconia. Laconia is a whole thing that Dad will try - likely in fits, starts, rants, and raves - to explain to you over the course of your entire life. It's a mystically frustrating place. But it broke a lot of brain molds.

Most people call your Great-Uncle, "Jim", but since your father calls him, "Jimmy", so shall you. It's law. When I was a kid, I knew the following about your Great-Uncle. 1. He was my father's brother. 2. He lived in New York. 3. He liked going to Funspot. 4. He was better at playing the Popeye arcade game than anyone I knew. This was not insignificant. A. I knew a lot of people that played Popeye. B. Popeye, specifically the pirate ship levels, is DIFFICULT. Now, it's nothing your father couldn't eventually master. But still, it's nice to know our Funspot mastery levels are in the bloodline. No pressure, of course. That said - if you defeat Congo Bongo before I do, you're grounded.

You met your Great-Uncle Jimmy the day after you were born.

Jimbo grew up in, yup, Laconia. He was born on November 12th. I think you'll like Jimbo quite a bit. Any post-high school friend I've ever introduced to Jimbo inevitably will confess to me that they think Jimbo hates them. To which I reply, "that means he really likes you!". Here are some things you should know about Uncle Jimbo. 1. He used to wear a pretty sweet furry coat. I think when we were in college. But I can't quite remember the timeline. You never letting Mom and Dad sleep has been pretty killer on my memory banks. But Jimbo never wears a furry coat now, because he lives in San Diego. 2. Jimbo had these sweet penguin gloves that he'd wear when we were in high school. 3. Jimbo used to drive a sporty little red car that zoomed all around Laconia. Then, later, he drove a big boat of a car. 4. We used to visit Jimbo a lot at his college - Bates - and it was a lot of fun. 5. Jimbo would forever get us in trouble for swearing or saying something inappropriate at the just the wrong moment. So much so, that we called it, "pulling a Jimmy". 6. Jimbo was in Mom & Dad's wedding party.

You'll meet Jimbo during the upcoming holiday season.

Misha & Niko
Misha (22 lbs) and Niko (13 lbs) are your fat and skinny cat siblings. They celebrate their birthday today too. They seem to think you're ok. But are still immensely jealous of you. Mostly because they are no longer the subject of all of your father's instagram feeds and youtube channels now they you've been born. They turned 14 today and were born in New York City. They're Russian Blue cats. Mom spoils Misha and Dad spoils Niko. We also call Misha, "Pig" and Niko, "Boy Cat".

They greeted you when you arrived home from the hospital.

Lindsey, despite having a name that is typically assigned to girls, was a boy. Well, a man. But he would sometimes behave boyishly. In a good way. There's not many people that could convince your father that wearing a sarong is a good idea. Lindsey was also born today. Dad thought Lindsey looked like the J.B. Scoops man when he first met him years ago. Mom and Dad used to always go to brunch where Lindsey worked. Dad would bring the Sunday Globe and read to Mom and we would sit at the small bar and talk with Lindsey and he'd make Dad one too many mimosas, on purpose. Dad would talk to Lindsey a lot at his night job. We'd compare how each of our nights had gone and Lindsey would try to catch the last few songs of whatever band was playing. Lindsey was a really smart guy and I think you would have liked him a lot. Just like Uncle Jimbo, he seemed a little gruff at first, but then you would catch the unmistakable glint of wonder - or mischief - in his eye, as everyone would eventually do and you'd be hooked. Oh, the stories Lindsey could tell you! He knew a little bit of everything about everything. Lindsey left us last year, so you won't ever get to meet him. But there's a nice picture of him at one of the places Dad works. And when you're old enough to learn the art of origami, I'll tell you more about him. [I won't be the one teaching you origami though. Dad's awful at it. I think you'll need to look up Auntie Heather or Auntie Quita. They're pros.]

Anyway. That's today. Although now it was yesterday.

- Z