Friday, December 17, 2010

The Sappho Whisperer

     I guess that I'm some sort of Sappho Whisperer.  Not the Zafo Whisperer.  That's totally different.

     I get along with lesbians really well.  I don't know why.  I mean, I'm pretty awesome.  And lesbians like pretty awesome things.

     There's many a social situation where a lesbian comes up to me and she starts talking and I start talking back to her and then the next thing you know - fast friends!  And sometimes, I don't even know that they're lesbians until much later!  And I'll think to myself, "Of course.  Lesbians.  We really understand each other."  But why?  Because we both like women?  Because I'm tall?  Do lesbians like height?

     There's this lesbian named "Lana" (not her real name) who I see in my travels around town quite often.  We get along (obv.) but she must be running some sort of lesbian bootlegging system because whenever she shows up, there's usually a gaggle of lesbians that turn up within 20 minutes of her arrival.  It's like Lana goes into the middle of the street, blows into her her magical lesbian conch shell that emits a fantastical pitch that only lesbians, dolphins, and lesbian dolphins can hear.  And then they just start arriving.  Scaling down the sides of buildings, climbing down trees, roller skating down off ramps.  There they are.  All shapes and all sizes and Tennessee visors.  But while the pack mentality may scare others off, they welcome me.  They ask me how tall I am.  They ask me if I know they're a lesbian.  (I usually don't - at least not right off.  I've been told I have ridiculously inferior gaydar.  I mean, sure -  once 6 girls who get blind drunk on PBR start punching each other in the arm and dolphins are all "eek, eek, eeking" and shit all over the place, I start to get a pretty good idea.)  They ask me if I'm cool with them being lesbians.  I always tell them I am.  A.)  Because I am cool with it.  And B.) I'm scared if I said no, they'd kick my ass.  I'm not saying that in a way to feed the, "butch" lesbian stereotype but in that my ass is usually pretty easy to kick.

     I guess it's not too weird that I get along with lesbians so well.  I get along with gay guys, straight guys and straight women mighty fine too.  But the lesbians and me?  We be tight.  It's just different.  Always has been, probably always will be.  I've had crushes on girls only to find out later they're lesbians.  But instead of feeling like, "was it my fault?" I think, "of course I felt a special connection.  She's a lesbian!"  Maybe I'm a lesbian trapped in the body of a straight man?  Do lesbians really like Maura Tierney and Kermit the Frog?  I bet they totally do.  I need to look into this.  I can't be a lesbian . . . can I?  Either way, M & I are covered b/c NH isn't one of those asshole, "We'll decide who gets to get married in this state" states.  We like our granite old man ghosts and straights and gays marrying whoever they please.

     I just hope no one blows one of those conch shells at the wedding.  There's a sand volleyball court on site and things could get . . . out of hand.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Mr. Magic Wedding Stegosaurus, Send Me A Dream!

  Make my wedding the easiest and stress-free event that I've ever seen!

  The wedding is happening in just under 9 months.  Not that I'm counting days.  Or hours.  Assuming everything goes according to plan, our friends and family will witness M and I get married at a summer camp just north of Winnipesaukee on the Center Harbor / Moultonborough line.  It's called Camp Quinebarge.  And they have a lot of stuff.  And a lot of things.  M & I?  Also have a lot of stuff.  And a lot of things.  And a group of friends the size of Pennsylvania.  And a contingent of family the size of two Pennsylvanias.  M's mother is 1 of 2,000 and her dad is 1 of 47.  That's a lot of tantes and oncles.

  I'm not even worried about the normal things one worries about when planning a wedding; Chocolate fountains, ice luges, ice cold chocolate milk dunk tanks, etc.  I'm mostly worried about the guest list.  How on EARTH have all you people done this?  More importantly, how is someone like ME supposed to do this?

1.  I have attachment issues.  In that, I feel attached to every single person, pet and mineral I've ever met.  In my life.  Ever.  And I want to invite all of them/it.  Grade school, middle school, high school & college classmates.  Aunts.  Uncles.  Cousins.  Second Cousins.  Nephews.  Nieces.  Teachers.  Co-workers.  Old roommates.  Bus drivers.  Living pets (Niko & Misha), former refugee pets (Chef Chen Kenichi), & dead pets (Baby Girl, Lucy, Zoe, etc. - don't worry, my mother's been storing their ashes for years just for such an event).  Swim lesson instructors.  Movie theater concession workers.  Crossing guards.  Amazing Spider-Man #334.  Camp counselors.  My Happy Meal Toys.  Hawaiian Tropic Suntan Lotion (it smells so coconutty!)  Sunday School teachers.  The entirety of Zach's Trivia Night Trivia Teams.  My prizewinning cantaloupe as optical nerve project from sophomore Biology.  That's just the tip of the pathological ice berg!  Why, I even want to invite . . .

2. . . . people/things that I DON'T know!  Like the cast of Freaks and Geeks, NewsRadio & The State.  The writing staff of the A.V. Club.  The Chipmunks.  Neve Campbell (so she can cough uncomfortably when Rick asks if "anyone should have any reason that Party of Five stars should marry Zach instead, speak now or forever hold your peace").  Jack Bristow.  Evangeline Lilly.  Kermit the Frog.  Mrs. Peacock.  The Ghost of the Old Man in the Mountain.  Don Draper & Roger Sterling.  Wally the Green Monster.  Brian Daubach.  The Baseball Diamond from The Great Muppet Caper.  SuperGrover.

     But we simply CAN'T invite everyone/thing on my dream guest list.  Sigh.  I mean . . . it's just . . . double sigh.  There's just not enough room in the barn / cabins / archery course / camouflage canoes!  Well . . . except for you Brian Daubach.  I'll never cut you from the list!  NEVER!  

3.  Most parties I've ever attended / held follow a pretty similar pattern.  I make an entrance (grand or otherwise).  Then I mingle a bit.  Then I pull a "Houdini" and am found hours later either a.) playing video games in some side room, b.) talking on the phone in some side room, c.) passed out in some side room, or d.) dancing/singing to Starship's "We Built This City" in some front room.  All but possibly Choice D are unacceptable options for one's own wedding.  M has already told me that I'm not allowed to "take off" at any point during the reception.  If Tom & Huck are allowed to watch the own funeral from above, then shouldn't I be allowed to watch my own wedding from the lake?  All underwatery except for my nose and up?  And then I'd spring forth at an opportune time (perhaps between the best man and the comptroller's speeches?) and everyone would rejoice and I'd plunge a jagged rock into the synthetic heart of my clone that I had created for this exact situation.  My clone would look at me with a cyber tear in his eye and he'd whisper - so only I could hear - "It was you.  You were the real one all along.  It was always you."  And I'd whisper back - so only he, and maybe anyone within a 4 foot radius, could hear - "I know, handsome.  I created you.  It was never a question.  They never knew until it was too late how to tell the difference between us.  The freckles on your right arm form Orion's Belt while mine form the Dippers Big & Little.  It was so simple it was genius if I do say so myself to myself."  And then there'd be about 2 minutes more of rejoicing.  And then cannolis would be served in the shape of a Sachem.  And the comptroller would award me with the, "2nd Best Semi-Underwater Surveillance Award"!  (Frederick would win 1st prize because he fell asleep under the dock.)

4.  According to Wii Fit I need to lose between 50 - 70 pounds between now and then.  That's . . . a lot of pounds.  That only gives me 38 weeks!  (Not that I'm counting.)  2.1 lbs a week?!  Who does the Wii think I am, some sort of reverse vampire Paula Deen?!  [For those of you who ate too much paste as a child, reverse vampire Paula Deen cooks only with rootmarm, not the copious amounts of lard that butter vampire Paula Deen uses.]  I'm thinking of weighing in on the Wii Fit next time while holding Misha and then not using the Misha the time after that.  Instant 22 lbs. loss!  Huzzah!  Well, writing a blog isn't going to help me lose the poundage.  So I guess I better get my special Wii Boots on and apply the special Wii Warming Lotion and get to work. 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Satan's Unicorn

Apparently, there's a McRib Locator.  You read that right.  And a McRib was spotted in Manchester THIS VERY MORNING. 

What am I doing in Dover when McRib's are luxuriating in their burnt tasting brown "sauce" in the Queen City?!  How come I haven't run to Manchvegas when I know full well that a sandwich made from parts of the pig a wolf wouldn't touch is being topped with pickles less than an hour from here?!

Oh.  Right.  Because the McRib is Satan's answer to unicorns.  Mysterious, possibly mythological, items of pure ugliness and darkness that suck all goodness from every person, pet and thing that they come in contact with.  That must have had something to do with my lack of enthusiasm.

Now if they could just come up with a PizzaFest Locator, then my dreams would be answered!  What's that?!   They HAVE?!  And it's readings are showing a strong showing of pizza ectoplasm coming from downtown Dover, NH in Henry Law Park?!* 


See?!  Even Sky Sign is excited!


All I can think about is Pizza.  Monique said I accidentally called Niko & Misha, "Niko & Mozzarella" Tuesday night when I was drifting to sleep.  I got out of the shower this morning and accidentally dried myself off with a calzone.  That doesn't even make any sense!  We're not having a CalzoneFest!  I've had three Pizza related nightmares in the last week.  Surprisingly, none of them having to do with me being lactose intolerant.  Don't worry, double bandoliers of lactaid shall be strapped across my chest at all times Saturday night.

See you there!

* - I don't know why the pizza has ectoplasm on it.  Are they ghost pizzas?  Did ghosts recently touch some of the pizza?  And if so, did they at least use some of the sanitizer from the many museum Purell stations?  Ghost have germs too.  They call them, "ghost germs" and they were responsible for decimating an entire Lithuanian village in the late 1800s / early 1900s.  (They didn't keep good records of "ghost germs" then.  So while it probably only happened during 1898 or 1901, ectoplasmic historians sort of give you that 20 year window to cover their asses.) **

** - The historians aren't ghosts, they just study ghosts. 

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Did Somebody Say PizzaFest?

Children's Museum of New Hampshire
Restaurant Pizza Header
Are you ready for 200 pizzas?
They're arriving on Saturday!

Looking forward to seeing you and your family at

PizzaFest 2010

Saturday, October 16

5:00 - 8:00 PM

$10 per person until 5 pm on Friday
$12 per person at the door
(children ages 2 and under are free)

Children's Museum of New Hampshire
6 Washington Street, Dover

All proceeds benefit the museum's education-based programs and exhibits

All-You-Can-Eat Pizza from 11 Pizzerias!

Children's Museum of New Hampshire
Bring your appetite ... there will be more than 200 pizzas on hand, each cut into small tasting slices. You are welcome to try as many as you like and vote for your favorite in the People's Choice category.

Each of these restaurants is bringing plain cheese as well as their choices of specialty topping pizzas:

  • Amato's of Somersworth
  • Dover House of Pizza
  • Kendall Pond II of Dover
  • La Festa Brick & Brew of Dover
  • Panzanella's Pizzeria & Italian Restaurant of Newmarket
  • Papa Gino's of Dover
  • Papa Jay's Pizzeria of Dover
  • Portsmouth Pizza Factory
  • River Bend Pizza & Subs of Dover
  • Smiley's of Dover
  • Uno Chicago Grill of Dover
A panel of local celebrity judges will choose Best Crust, Most Creative Toppings and Best Overall Pizza. Judging this year are Seacoast food writer Rachel ForrestSlice of NH pizza bloggerAndrew Toland, accordian player/radio host/ocean swimmer Gary Sredzienski, and Dave Flood of and producer of Dover Eats!

Shop our Silent Auction for holiday gifts!

Children's Museum of New Hampshire
In between slices, stroll through our Silent Auction, with great merchandise and gift certificates. There are items in all price ranges, generously donated by local and regional businesses and sports teams. This is a great opportunity to start your holiday shopping so bring your gift-giving list.Items up for bid will include:

  • NEW! 4 adult lift tickets to ski Mt. Cranmore
  • NEW! 2 U.S. roundtrip tickets on AirTran
  • NEW! Man and woman's IBEX winter jackets 
  • NEW! Overnight stay at any Inns & Spa at Mill Falls properties
  • NEW! Case of international red & white wines from M.S. Walker Wine & Spirits
  • NEW! Six months of instruction at Matt Randall's Black Belt Academy
  • NEW! Tickets to Manchester Monarchs, UNH Football, UNH Women's Hockey, more
  • NEW! Tickets for Boston Ballet, Seacoast Rep, NH Theater Project, Hackmatack Playhouse, Ogunquit Playhouse, Palace Theatre, Capitol Center for the Arts and the Popovich Comedy Pet Circus the Music Hall
  • NEW! Guest passes for Six Flags, Castle in the Clouds and Canobie Lake's Screamfest
  • NEW! Italian-inspired dinner for 8 prepared and delivered by museum's Carol Chambers
  • NEW! Home energy evaluation by Energy Star builder Roe Cole
  • NEW! Landscape design consultation by Norm Fracassa of Fracassa DesignWorks
  • Football autographed by Tom Brady from the NE Patriots
  • Ladder truck ride & station tour from Dover Fire Dept
  • Two-night stays at The Mountain Club at Loon and Village by the Sea in Wells
  • Game tickets to New England Revolution, NH Fisher Cats and Portland Sea Dogs
  • Baseball autographed by Victor Martinez from the Boston Red Sox
  • Guest passes to StoryLand, Liquid Planet Water Park, York's Wild Kingdom, Indoor Ascent, ChildLight Yoga, McAuliffe-Shepard Discovery Center and Squam Lakes Science Center
  • Four rounds of golf at The Oaks in Somersworth
  • Hardcover copy of House Rules autographed by NH author Jodi Picoult
  • $200 vet visit for a dog donated by Piscataqua Animal Hospital
  • Restaurant gift certificates to Wentworth by the Sea, The Riverhouse, The Common Man, Bedford Village Inn, Loco Coco's Tacos, Blue Mermaid, Texas Roadhouse, Barley Pub, T-Bones/Cactus Jack's, The Goldenrod, Dos Amigos, 106 Kitchen Bar and many more

Reserve your place at PizzaFest today!

PizzaFest is a limited-capacity event so make your reservation by calling the museum at (603) 742-2002You may also make reservations at the front desk during your next visit to the museum.Advance tickets are just $10 each and only available until 5 pm on Friday. If space permits, tickets will be available at the door for $12 each on Saturday. 

No tickets will be issued - your name and number of people in your party will be put on a guest list for check-in at the door. 

Thank you in advance for your support of the non-profit 
Children's Museum of New Hampshire!

Early Closing: Please be aware that the museum will close at 4 pm on Saturday to prepare for PizzaFest.

Cancellation Policy
All sales final. There are no refunds but if you are unable to attend after making your reservations, you may call and substitute another person's name for yours on the guest list.