Friday, December 17, 2010

The Sappho Whisperer

     I guess that I'm some sort of Sappho Whisperer.  Not the Zafo Whisperer.  That's totally different.

     I get along with lesbians really well.  I don't know why.  I mean, I'm pretty awesome.  And lesbians like pretty awesome things.

     There's many a social situation where a lesbian comes up to me and she starts talking and I start talking back to her and then the next thing you know - fast friends!  And sometimes, I don't even know that they're lesbians until much later!  And I'll think to myself, "Of course.  Lesbians.  We really understand each other."  But why?  Because we both like women?  Because I'm tall?  Do lesbians like height?

     There's this lesbian named "Lana" (not her real name) who I see in my travels around town quite often.  We get along (obv.) but she must be running some sort of lesbian bootlegging system because whenever she shows up, there's usually a gaggle of lesbians that turn up within 20 minutes of her arrival.  It's like Lana goes into the middle of the street, blows into her her magical lesbian conch shell that emits a fantastical pitch that only lesbians, dolphins, and lesbian dolphins can hear.  And then they just start arriving.  Scaling down the sides of buildings, climbing down trees, roller skating down off ramps.  There they are.  All shapes and all sizes and Tennessee visors.  But while the pack mentality may scare others off, they welcome me.  They ask me how tall I am.  They ask me if I know they're a lesbian.  (I usually don't - at least not right off.  I've been told I have ridiculously inferior gaydar.  I mean, sure -  once 6 girls who get blind drunk on PBR start punching each other in the arm and dolphins are all "eek, eek, eeking" and shit all over the place, I start to get a pretty good idea.)  They ask me if I'm cool with them being lesbians.  I always tell them I am.  A.)  Because I am cool with it.  And B.) I'm scared if I said no, they'd kick my ass.  I'm not saying that in a way to feed the, "butch" lesbian stereotype but in that my ass is usually pretty easy to kick.

     I guess it's not too weird that I get along with lesbians so well.  I get along with gay guys, straight guys and straight women mighty fine too.  But the lesbians and me?  We be tight.  It's just different.  Always has been, probably always will be.  I've had crushes on girls only to find out later they're lesbians.  But instead of feeling like, "was it my fault?" I think, "of course I felt a special connection.  She's a lesbian!"  Maybe I'm a lesbian trapped in the body of a straight man?  Do lesbians really like Maura Tierney and Kermit the Frog?  I bet they totally do.  I need to look into this.  I can't be a lesbian . . . can I?  Either way, M & I are covered b/c NH isn't one of those asshole, "We'll decide who gets to get married in this state" states.  We like our granite old man ghosts and straights and gays marrying whoever they please.

     I just hope no one blows one of those conch shells at the wedding.  There's a sand volleyball court on site and things could get . . . out of hand.

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